When you talk to single moms by choice (SMBCs), you usually hear the same thing: “It’s the best decision I ever made.” But that’s after a long journey, often fraught with pain and indecision. Wouldn’t it be great if you had a roadmap for how you can make the decision faster and save yourself some pain?
After backwards-engineering it a bit, I can confident state that these are the steps I took so that I can also boldly state that having my son was the best decision I ever made:
Step #1: Make the decision to go for it
Step #2: Ask yourself the tough questions
Once you’ve made the decision to go for it and have a child on your own, you need to ask yourself honest and difficult questions with respect to your financial, emotional, and social health.
Can you handle this financially on your own?
Raising a child is expensive, and right now is rising a lot. In 2015, it cost $310,000 to raise that child through age 17. Current inflation since COVID has increased the annual cost of raising a child born today by $26,000.
This figure includes housing, food, and childcare until age 5 in the US. But that doesn’t take into a lot of other considerations you’ll need to think about as a single mom by choice.
Will you be able to bear the financial burden by yourself? Do you have parents or investments that you can fall back on if necessary?
Let’s break down those financial obligations into more specific categories:
- Your fertility treatments. How will you fund your ART treatments? Are you satisfied choosing IUI treatments, which could take longer, or do you plan to try IVF treatments for better odds? If you’re over 40, you might want to look into an egg donor as an option, which is a lot more expensive than donor sperm. How many rounds of IVF can you afford before opting for an egg donor?
- Your child’s education. Will you fund your child’s college education? There are solid arguments for both paying for your child and letting them pave their own way. U.S. college tuition has skyrocketed – especially for private colleges, but public and community colleges that allow your child to live at home can be more affordable options.
- Your retirement. What about your retirement? If you’re in your 40s, you have a lot less time to invest and resources than your married friends in their 30s and 20s!
- Your parent’s retirement and health. Will you be financially responsible for your aging parent in the future?
If you’re struggling to answer these questions and are approaching 40, you might not have time to wait for the answers before taking more time to get started with your SMBC journey.
Another reality to consider is that it can take longer to get pregnant than you would like. (But on the bright side, that also gives you time to find the answers to these questions!)
- Can you move back to live with your parents or other family members to reduce housing and living costs? Is getting a roommate an option? Can you work out a deal with your parents or roommate to help with childcare expenses?
- Can you go back to school to get your finances in place while your child is small? (Or better yet, do this in your early to mid-30s so you can avoid financial and fertility anxiety. It will benefit you whether you marry or not).
- Is there a side hobby/business that you’ve always wanted to pursue? Now may be an excellent time to do so, before you are an SMBC with the high demands of an infant.
Personally, I don’t believe we’re ever really ready to have a child. Having my son pushed me to deal with these issues. You might be far more motivated to be better in every aspect of your life after having a child, including your finances.
Are you physically healthy enough to pull this off?
The good news is that on average, life expectancy around the world has increased and is expected to rise. The average life span for women in the United States today is 79 years.
But as we approach 40, risk factors increase in women for serious medical issues increase (e.g. strokes, heart disease, cancer) and more treatable conditions too (e.g. type 2 diabetes and adult-onset asthma).
It’s important to take this into account with your personal risk factors.
Every single mother by choice (and those who aren’t!) should be proactive about their health and make sure she has regular tests in her 40s that include:
- Mammograms according to your risk and personal history
- Pap smears every three years
- Colonoscopies
- Cholesterol, glucose, and blood pressure checks
It’s no coincidence that reputable IVF clinics require you to regularly update them with your mammogram, pap smears, and blood tests.
What about your emotional and mental health?
Many of us work long hours in jobs that are not our dream jobs, and some of us work two jobs or have the need for a side hustle. We move sometimes for job opportunities that are far from our families and their support. This alone can make our physical, mental, and emotional health suffer.
To make things even harder, many women, both married and single, also no longer have the support from their family – the tribe – that our grandparents may have had. Instead, we rely on our friends, who we contact mostly through social media.
But digital technology has made us lonelier than ever. I strongly suggest building a life with IRL relationships, and as the author advises, work on developing intimate relationships with people to alleviate this modern loneliness.
These factors all create a level of stress that can wear us down.
While you are preparing to conceive, ask yourself:
- How do you deal with stressful situations today? Do you exercise, meditate, paint or journal? Visit friends regularly? Do you have a therapist you are able to meet with on a regular basis? The coping strategies are important to set up before you have a baby because babies can be a wonderful addition to your life, but another level of stress.
- Do you have a lot of anxiety? How will you prioritize your mental health as things get crazy? Do you already suffer from mental health issues, such as depression or anxiety? These issues can be exaggerated by the stress of raising children, so you’ll need a system in place to prevent crises in advance as much as possible.
My child was 5 months old when the pandemic hit. I was terrified for a few months, but I had a fantastic babysitter during that time who proved to me she would be there for me when times are tough.
- Do you have people in your life that will be happy to hear and share the good news about your child? It can be lonely raising a child without a partner in the happy moments as well.
- Do you have supportive family members such as siblings, parents, aunts or uncles, or cousins that can listen or act as a sounding board? Do you have friends who have children who can do this as well?
If you can’t answer yes to most of these questions (except for the high-anxiety one :P), you’ll need to build your village as an SMBC. Even if you think you have one, you can always make it stronger.
My child was 5 months old when the pandemic hit. I didn’t live anywhere near my family, and where I lived we had several lockdowns. By the second lockdown, realized that it was the perfect time for me to “test drive” as many babysitters as possible while I worked at home. By the time we finished our third lockdown, I realized I had a fantastic babysitter who proved to me she would be there for me when times are tough.
Step #3: Building your village as an SMBC
Imagine being up all night with a baby, and then in the early hours of the morning needing to go to the emergency room. Who can you call to help you? Are your current friends going to be there? It’s OK if you don’t have an answer before you get pregnant (although you might want to reshuffle your priorities regarding friendships). Start making friends now and think: Would this person be there for me if I needed them? It’s also OK to have different levels of friendship – some are just “fun” and social, while others are your serious friends. But you should know ahead of time which category they belong to – so you aren’t caught off guard.
Also, realize that your life will change and so will your friends and social life. Those “fun” and social friends you had before you were pregnant may be a thing of the past after you give birth. This can be a good thing. The number of people I now can trust to pick my child up from his daycare has quadrupled since he was born. (From 1 to 3!) But keep in mind that some people are more comfortable with three-year-olds versus babies, so chances are your village will grow as your child does.
Before I had a baby, I had friends that I would go with to parties, weekend get-togethers, synagogue social events – you name it. I socialized a lot in those days, I think, to take my mind off the things that weren’t going well in my life. I also felt like I wouldn’t ever meet a man while on my couch.
But these friends were fair-weather friends. I could rely on very few of them for serious conversation, life advice, help when I was sick, etc. When I was making my decision to become a single mom by choice, I started to leave friends behind because I didn’t think they would be there for me after I had my child. (I think some of them honestly felt sorry for me and the fact that it was taking so long for me to get my life together, but that’s its own story). This happens to people who are not SMBCs too. We all know those married friends who stop being in touch with practically anyone after they get married –— until they come up for air, so to speak. Or the girlfriend who drops off the face of the earth once she has a new beau.
Before you get pregnant is the time to ask yourself:
- Do you live near family, and are they emotionally, physically, and financially able to help you care for an infant/toddler/older child? If you’re not near them but this support exists, would you consider living nearer to them — or in the same house as them to make it even easier and cut or share expenses?
- Do you have a close network of friends who can help you if you were sick?
- Do you have anyone who would raise your child in the case of your untimely death? (As soon as possible after the birth of your child, you should give this person guardianship in a legal will).
- Are you active in a church or synagogue? A close-knit community in a small town or village with a strong support system? These can be great resources for extending your social support system. (By the way, you don’t have to be religious to be active in religious organizations, you’d be surprised how many people in these organizations weren’t before they had kids).
- Are your friends married with children? You may find that your relationship is strengthened after you have a child, especially if – surprise – they end up having one at the same time you do! This happened to me with a couple of friends/acquaintances at the time I was pregnant with my son, it made things fun and I didn’t feel so alone.
Step #4: Know the risks of getting pregnant in your 40s
There’s good and bad news for women trying to get pregnant over 40.
The good news is that if you have unlimited resources and time and no fertility issues other than age, you’ll probably get pregnant eventually.
The bad news is that it can take longer. On average, a couple in their 40s will take a year to conceive naturally. But tf you’re doing ART, the average is 2 years.
A bit more bad news: Your chances of complications for both your baby and yourself increase. Still, your chances are pretty good, especially in your early 40s.
One of the reasons it can take longer is that the egg quality of women decreases drastically in their 40s, so many of these genetically abnormal pregnancies will never make it to term and be miscarried. For SMBCs, it can also take longer because IVF treatments tend to spot (and sometimes even cause) ovarian cysts, polyps, poor egg fertilization, and ovarian hyperstimulation.
As you enter your 40s, your hormones can also start to change. Estrogen and progesterone levels that are too high or too low can knock you out of the game. I had an estrogen-producing ovarian cyst that delayed my IVF treatments by 5 months!
Travel, stress, and miscarriage can also delay treatments.
Our married friends also have these obstacles too (ovarian cysts and polyps are pretty common in women of all ages), but they are sometimes blissfully unaware of them and are able to try regardless.
But if you don’t try, you might also miss out on an amazing experience of a beautiful child who, after a few months, you can’t imagine your life without. Remember that women in their 40s also have easy pregnancies and give birth to healthy children almost every day!
I have known many women in their 20s and 30s who suffered miscarriages and babies with defects, perhaps because these were all women of Jewish and Ashkenazi (European) background (with husbands of that background as well).
Having to choose a donor that has undergone extensive genetic testing might be a blessing in disguise for SMBCs, especially those who would have chosen a specific ethnic background and are now forced to widen their genetic pool due to plain bureaucracy.
I know I would have chosen a spouse of Jewish background, quite possibly of European descent. When I made the decision to become an SMBC, I chose a non-Jewish donor (mostly due to Jewish law and the rabbinical court in Israel). Although only one of my parents is of Jewish European descent, I feel like my choice ultimately strengthened the gene pool.
Step #5: How to get pregnant as an SMBC in your 40s
There are many ways to get pregnant as an SMBC. You can use the donor sperm of a good friend, a gay friend, or an anonymous/open donor. (You could also do things the very old-fashioned way, and simply get pregnant on a one-night stand! Though I don’t recommend it personally). With all of the bureaucracy involved in ART, the documentation, tests, injections, and canceled cycles I often envied my married friends and anyone bold enough to simply “try” with the same person again and again. For this reason, some SMBCs and LGBT couples pursue at-home insemination.
After many attempts at IVF and the inability to pursue more due to cost, you might pursue an egg donor or adoption.
Ask yourself:
- Is it important to you that my child know his biological father from the beginning? Or do I prefer a donor who is anonymous and will stay anonymous forever? Do you believe your child should have the option of knowing the identity of his biological father or having a relationship with him?
- If the donor is known, does he want to be involved? To what extent? It’s highly recommended to have a legal document stating the exact involvement of the donor – even though this involvement may change over time.
- How important is a genetic relationship to your child important to you?
- Do you want to pursue IUI at the beginning to see how your body reacts to meds and use a low-cost approach to getting pregnant? How soon will you switch to IVF?
- Do you have insurance that covers IVF? Do you know how much, or to what extent? Does it cover single moms/moms over 40, IUI, or IVF? Try to learn as much as you can beforehand, so you aren’t caught off guard.
- Are you sensitive to medications or estrogen shots? Do you have a history of breast cancer? IVF may not be for you.
- Do you want more than one child? Would you consider testing and freezing embryos or eggs to have a second child down the road?
Keep in mind that not all fertility costs are included in insurance plans. You will still have to pay for donor sperm, PGT/PGS testing, sperm, egg, or embryo storage, fertility drugs, and any extra fertility tests you want such as endometrial receptivity analysis (ERA) and some insurance mock transfers.
No turning back and no regrets
“But are you ready to have a child?” is a question I hate. Who’s ever ready for anything in life, especially if you’re a risk-averse, overthinker like I am? Many single women have children in less than optimal circumstances, and later credit their child for motivating them to finish high school early, start college, choose a more lucrative career, and marry a better spouse!
I’ve known a few divorced women over the years, and when I was making the decision of whether or not to become an SMBC, I realized that all of them had said the same thing: “I don’t regret marrying my husband, because I have my children now.”
If you’re like me, you’ve probably thought of a lot of these questions and worried that you don’t have the answer. I don’t think you should wait to have the answers, because many of them can change over the years. The important thing is to realize you don’t have all of the answers and start to build a life that answers them.