Before Becoming a Single Mom at 40, Ask Yourself These Questions

Before becoming a single mom at 40, ask yourself:

Do I have enough support?
Am I willing to parent without a partner?
How long am I willing to wait?
How do I handle uncertainty?
What kind of future do I actually want?

I personally found the decision to become a single mom by choice – realizing that my narrative of “happily ever after” might never happen – was excruciatingly painful.

I ended up pursuing both individual therapy and (subsidized) group therapy to be extremely intentional in my decision to pursue single motherhood.

Here are some of the questions I had to answer honestly along the way.

Section 1: Practical Questions

Do I have enough support to survive the early years?

Infants, toddlers, and small children are ridiculously cute.

But they are a lot of work.

No one prepared me for the fact that children need care 24-7, and your childcare is only available 70% of the time (in an optimal situation). The other 30% of the time they are sick and cannot go to daycare or the childcare facility is closed for holidays/summer (and even random events like teacher training or maintenance of the facility).

But unless you have independent wealth or are a teacher, you have to work during those holidays and also somehow when they are sick.

That means you’ll need help from family, friends, another single mom – or you’ll have to buy help. Or any combination of the two.

Section 2: Identity Questions

Do I want a child more than I want a traditional family?

Is it difficult for you to go against the grain of society? Or have you always done that? Do you come from a traditional upbringing where single parents are frowned upon or less than ideal?

I have always marched to my own drum, so to speak, but I also tend to surround myself around people with more traditional values – marriage and family being the most important.

I also found in dating that I was primarily dating in order to have a family. I believe this can work well as it’s a reflection of values, but only if that’s the goal of both partners. If one partner sees the union as “primarily about us,” and the other is prioritizing children, it’s going to add a lot of tension to the relationship.

Some single moms by choice intentionally live near others in similar situations.

Ironically, I found that moving to a suburb exposed me to more traditional family structures — but also gave me more peace, stability, and easier socializing.

Other women want a rock-solid relationship above all else and are willing to wait for it. They’ve either frozen eggs or are willing to pursue IVF, adoption, donor eggs – or even elect out of motherhood altogether.

If you’ve already decided to pursue single motherhood, learn why I chose an open donor here.

What kind of life do I actually want at 50?

Try to fast forward your life by ten years. Who do you want sitting around the dinner table? Will you regret not having children or grandchildren?

I couldn’t envision a life without children. I simply couldn’t envision a version of my future that felt meaningful to me without children. But that’s my own personal viewpoint.

Do you want to continue on the current path you are on now? Or do you see that you need a change? Do you want to travel the world and be completely free? Motherhood may not be the right choice for you.

I had a painful existence as a single person until the age of 38. While I socialized a lot, I found the number of women to socialize with diminished due to marriage and motherhood, and I couldn’t rely on those friends as much.

Those that stayed single tended to be friendships that were held together by this commonality rather than one of values.

Now that I’m one of a few single mothers in my community, I find friendships easier and far more pleasant. They are based on common values and not transactional. I also have far less time for socializing, which possibly makes it easier for me because I don’t have time to feel lonely.

How long am I willing to wait around for the right partner?

This may be the hardest question of all.

Are you willing to undergo extensive fertility treatments once you find the right partner?

Also, are you optimistic enough that the right partner will materialize? I have found many married women who have told me if they hadn’t met their partners they probably wouldn’t be married at all. Some weren’t looking and met quite young. Others were much older but happened to be lucky in terms of still having time to pursue a traditional route to a family.

I had my last relationship a year before I got pregnant. I was lucky to get pregnant the first time quickly, but I had also been quietly starting the bureaucratic process, genetic testing, and doctor’s appointments to be able to pursue single motherhood as soon as I knew the relationship was no longer viable.

Another option is to pursue your backup plan while also trying to find the right partner. Both paths can take a long time until any certainty is proven.

Section 3: Hard Questions No One Wants to Ask

Eventually, the questions become less philosophical and more practical:

What if the process itself becomes difficult or uncertain?

How do you think you can emotionally handle fertility uncertainty?

It is almost impossible to know how difficult it will be for you to conceive. Now that I am around a community of mothers who married in their 20s, I am shocked by how many needed (or were told they needed and didn’t ultimately use) medical assistance for fertility.

What would you do if you had a child who needed significant emotional or medical needs?

This is a tough one, and I don’t think anyone would know what they would do until it happens.

You may want to consider what you would do in this case (particularly if you are insistent on using your own eggs at an advanced age).

Although there are options for screening and diagnosis of many, many conditions, nothing is foolproof. For example, there is no screening or diagnostic test for autism. Nor is there one for severe mental illness.

Are you against abortion at all costs? What kind of special needs child might you be willing or able to raise, if at all?

A woman I grew up with since high school got married at 25 to a lovely man. She became pregnant immediately.

At the time, I could not contain my envy. She went to the right school, married the right man. She also had a severely developmentally disabled child who she cared for almost a decade before having another child and putting the first in a care facility. I am certain both children involved many leaps of faith and hardship.

I have since learned the danger in comparing “moments” of our lives with a longer time period. Everyone has their own challenges.

There is no way to know what I would have done if I had been in her place.

No one Talks About How Hard the Decision to Pursue Single Motherhood Is

While there are plenty of resources for single mothers and a fair amount for those who choose to pursue single motherhood, I found that few people talked about the difficult path of deciding to become a mother alone.

Then again, sometimes the only way out is through.

Perhaps that’s why my journey has felt so life changing. Not because it was easy — but because it forced me to become radically honest about the kind of life I truly wanted.