open donor vs. anonymous donor

Known, Anonymous, or Open Donor? Here’s What I Chose

Choosing a sperm donor — whether it’s a known donor, open donor or anonymous donor —  sounds simple in theory.

You scroll through profiles. You compare traits. You make a decision.

But at some point, I stopped asking:
 “Who do I want?”

And started asking:
 “What might my future child want one day?”

That question changed everything about how I approached donor selection.

Known Donor, Open Donor or Anonymous Donor: What’s the Difference?

Very early in my journey as a Single Mom By Choice, I became familiar with the terms “Known” and “Anonymous” donor. Women tend to choose one of these two choices, either from a sperm bank or with a male that they know. 

  • Anonymous donor → no identifying info, no contact
  • Known donor → someone you know, relationship exists now
  • Open donor → identity can typically be released to the child when they become an adult (usually age 18 or 21)

The Reality of Using a Known Donor

Some women choose a known donor because they don’t want to shoulder parenting entirely alone.

Others hope to share emotional or financial responsibility, simplify conception, or create a more traditional sense of family structure.  Had I found this type of donor early enough and been able to use home insemination or IUI it might have saved me a lot of time and money with IVF. 

And sometimes, it genuinely works well.

But what I realized is this: 

Choosing a known donor is not just a biological decision.  

It’s a long-term relationship structure.

Here is what I’ve observed to be the root of these challenges: 

  • Different expectations of parental involvement
  • Different expectations of household chores
  • Not realizing or discussing the mental load
  • Competing and evolving values

The last point is one of the most difficult hurdles I have seen in both traditional and non-traditional partnerships.

Two personal stories come to mind: 

  1. A case of poor communication and division of labor

I was friends with a fellow Single Mom By Choice who had a non-traditional parenting arrangement with a male friend. Together they were officially “raising” two small boys, but in effect, she was raising them alone, splitting only the rent with him. 

Over time, she became responsible for most of the invisible labor: childcare, cooking, household management, and emotional coordination. They had no formal contract between them. They did not seem to have the type of communication where they could talk openly about responsibilities and the dividing up of household chores. 

She was justifiably resentful, and he seemed to benefit tremendously by having two human beings that gave him a legacy with minimal responsibility and investment. 

It was so painful for me personally to visit them in that atmosphere and I ultimately had to discontinue the relationship. 

           2. A Case of Evolving Values

I also met a woman who had raised a child with a non-traditional partner. When her son was 10, she decided to pursue getting pregnant with another child, but elected this time to go alone. She had since become more religious, and the first child was not raised in that manner. She was now able to raise the second child differently and completely on her own.  

What are the Benefits and Risks of Considering an Anonymous Donor?

Some parents — especially couples — prefer anonymous donation because it creates clearer family boundaries.

There is no co-parenting ambiguity, no future relationship to manage, and no uncertainty about roles.

Many donor-conceived children do perfectly well in these families, especially when their conception story is shared openly and honestly from the beginning.

Sperm banks in Spain, Italy and the Czech Republic offer anonymous donors only, while the U.S., Denmark and Canada offer a mix of anonymous vs open donors. 

Why Some Women Choose an Open Donor

Personally when I was on my journey to become a single-mom-by-choice,  the idea of a full, anonymous donor bothered me. I did not want my child to feel cheated out of a father, and I had no male friend I wanted or who was willing to be up to the task. 

This bothered me enough that I learned that different countries (e.g. UK, Sweden, Norway, Germany, the Netherlands) passed regulations banning the use of anonymous sperm donors, arguing that future children have a right to know their father. 

I had heard of similar regulation being passed in Israel and naively thought it might happen fast enough for me to benefit from it (Ha!).

When I brought it up to the reproduction specialist at one of my very first appointments, she told me: “Well, I hope that regulation doesn’t pass, because then women like you won’t have good donors to choose from.” 

Fortunately there was another option: An open donor.

Open donors are simply “open” to the idea of meeting their child when he or she turns 21. For this privilege, the woman often pays more. 

Another benefit of open donors is they tend to be more, well, more open about their medical and family histories, their education, mistakes, etc. 

Although most sperm banks have a pretty rigorous system for validating information sperm donors provide, you may be inclined to trust an open donor for information they provide that can’t be validated as easily. 

My son’s donor admitted to having an STD, which after confirming with medical staff, would have no bearing on my future children. It freaked me out a bit, honestly, but now I can see that he was being honest, which is refreshing. 

Choosing Any Type of Sperm Donor Can Be Overwhelming

Unfortunately, choosing a sperm donor – whether it’s anonymous, known or open is as similarly frustrating as online dating because there are an overwhelming number of options. 

Is having a child with a Mexican ethnic heritage important to you? Do you want a redhead child that will look like you? An olive complexion? Do you want a child with eyes the same blue tint as yours? Creative bent? A music lover? 

We got it, say the sperm banks. But it will cost you extra.  

I had to ask myself: What do I want? 

And what do I actually need? 

The Question That Changed Everything

But at some point, the decision stopped being about me.

It became about a future conversation I might one day have with my child.

How will my child feel?

Will he or she feel strange looking radically different from me? What if he isn’t musically gifted or athletic like me? 

And for me, the most important question (that I had no answer for yet, was)

Will he or she want the option of meeting their father one day? 

Will Donor-Conceived Children Want Contact?

Many SMBCs are concerned that their future child will be angry or upset at the inability to be in contact with their biological father. 

Here’s what you need to know: 

It can be very painful when the narrative of your life changes, so it’s best to give your child the honest narrative as early as you can. 

However, you’ll need to also consider: 

  • The personality of your child (some kids care and some kids don’t)
  • The possibility that their desire for contact may evolve over time 
  • The possibility that with medical advancement many, if not most, anonymous donors will be able to be identified and contacted via simply DNA tests and the use of social media and the internet 

I personally felt that the possibility of future contact mattered, so I ended up choosing an open donor, which – you guessed it – costs more than an anonymous donor. 

However, there is strong belief in the SMBC community that by the time our children are grown, that third point will be true. Many women choose anonymous donors believing that advances in DNA testing may eventually make future identification possible anyway. 

How I Chose My Donor

There is no perfect donor.

There is only the decision you can live with most honestly. 

I still don’t know whether my children will ever want contact with their donor.

Maybe they will.
Maybe they won’t.

Maybe their feelings will change multiple times over the course of their lives.

But my job is not to predict the future perfectly.

My job is to choose the future I could best stand behind. 

That is ultimately why I chose an open donor.

And it’s also why I created a step-by-step framework to help other women make this decision with more clarity and less overwhelm.  You can get it here. 

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